Fear, the pointless insecurity of losing things, people and a secure future. Questions about what life is, why am I here? Who am I?? What is my purpose??

To overcome all this,

You have started the intellectual process of reading religious or spiritual books, studying scriptures, listening to spiritual discourses and maybe even short meditation programs etc. You may even feel more peaceful and calm after doing certain meditation courses. However you’re still engaged at the intellectual level, and perhaps not yet ready to go deeper or immerse yourself at the experiential level. This is when you start to understand different concepts and are trying to apply them concepts in your life for happiness and peace, but are most likely not too satisfied with the results. Then one day you start doubting your intellect, you start questioning all these things, it kills you from within, you are not able to trust anything around you, you just need to know what reality is, you need proof! Someone at this point of my life said why don’t you try Vipashana. The first evening was amazing, I was able to go the given exercise without any problem, I was able to focus on my breathing, The next morning I felt clam, it was a beautiful place, I was happy to do the meditation. By afternoon, something happened. I started asking myself stupid questions, such as what if these people are trying to trick me into something, what if someone rapes me here (the memories of my childhood kept coming back to me) what if, what if, what if…

I completely understood that my mind is playing tricks, I noticed that I was feeling all this only when my mind wandered away not when I’m focused.  I was forcing myself to focus!! Then questions such as why am I going through all this pain, what am I going to get out of this?? Again trying to focus.. but this time, I couldn’t help myself but cry..!! cry out loud!!  I cried all afternoon,
I cried all evening
And I cried all night!!
That evening,
I told the person (the teacher) that I have to go, this is not meant for me right now. Even that guy looked scary. I was panicking, I JUST HAD TO LEAVE. Run away from that place. He said, not we are not allowed to let you go! It was all the more scarier… After a long argument and crying, he understood and said you may go in the morning. It was clear in my head what was happening to me, I could see how much I was try to run away from this, I knew if had just tried to sit and observe all this it would have disappeared. I saw it happen once, but then the doubt, the why’s and what if’s! . “Its like this, there was his man riding this black horse not really satisfied with his horse. Then there came a man with a white horse, he said why don’t you try this it feels great! But our guy is worried what if it doesn’t satisfy his as will, so what he does is he puts one of his legs on the white horse and kept the other led on his horse. Now that is dangerous. At the same time not giving is a try is also stupid, you are already not satisfied with what you already have. But yes it’s at least better than trying to get both.” This thing that was pulling me, I wanted to feel safe, I wanted to feel comfort. I just couldn’t resist the pull. It was like I know that this is good for me, I know it’s going to make my life easier and still I was attracted to this pain and fear that I experienced every night. Its like I go in search for what’s best for me, find it, pick it up, its in my hands, I can judge by its shape and by how it feels that this is it but in the end I drop it and run away, because I’m scared that all this excitement, fun and thrill will end if I find it.

2 lessons,
One, I tend to stay in the comfort zone for a long time, but there is this verythin line between comfort zone and panic zone. When I fall in the panic zone, I tend to RUN! Just run away from that place
Two, questioning and critical thinking is good, but too much of anything could be poisonous


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